Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Miley Cyrus, is that you?
When I first saw this picture I shamefully thought I was doing the "chinky eyes" thing but then realized that that's just what happens when you squeeze a small chubby Asian face ^_^
Is fashion sense inherited?
...Cuz I think I just found out where my love for florals, rompers, floral rompers and shoes that look like Keds comes from O_o
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Counting the good things
Pictures of things over the last week that have made me happy:
1) The tiny abandonned kitten that showed up at work, which was actually a little sad but I'd like to think Mao is being taken care of now. I swear we had a connection when we were meowing at each other.
2) My favourite bb that's actually a baby
3) Vee visiting!
4) Strawberry-Rhubarb pie, coffee, books and beautiful weather
5) My new rusty pink bike (after my messy paint job) from Chinatown, still thinking of a name for her. Is she a lemon or will she last through the summer? Only time will tell.
It's the little things :)
1) The tiny abandonned kitten that showed up at work, which was actually a little sad but I'd like to think Mao is being taken care of now. I swear we had a connection when we were meowing at each other.
2) My favourite bb that's actually a baby
3) Vee visiting!
4) Strawberry-Rhubarb pie, coffee, books and beautiful weather
5) My new rusty pink bike (after my messy paint job) from Chinatown, still thinking of a name for her. Is she a lemon or will she last through the summer? Only time will tell.
It's the little things :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Way of the Big D.L. / On Anger
"If one comes across a person who has been shot by an arrow, one does not spend time wondering about where the arrow came from, or the caste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing what type of wood the shaft is made of, or the manner in which the arrowhead was fashioned. Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling out the arrow.
- Shakyamuni, the Buddha
Lately I've been more self-reflective than usual. And I mean really self-reflective. That means questioning every emotion I'm feeling and trying to understand why I feel that way. Feelings like disappointment, bitterness, sadness, as well as happiness, contentment and compassion. It's probably all to do with my self-directed journey towards enlightenment (of some sort). My logic is, trying to understand where these emotions are coming from will hopefully lead me to a better understanding and knowledge of self, as well as others. Or just give me even more opportunities to be self-absorbed and talk about myself ;)
These days I find myself constantly reflecting on anger. What are the causes of anger and how do we overcome it? As you can see in my last post, I've dated and met a lot of winners in my life. The last one especially. I could and have gone on and on about how big of a loser he was, how he never deserved me but I've really been trying to let go of that hurt and anger.
While in some cases, anger can bring about positive change, as the Dalai Lama cites for example, anger at injustice can bring about feelings of love and compassion. But most of the time, anger is bad for you. It's self-consuming, clouds your judgment and turns 'rational' people into monsters. Maybe that's a little extreme for those who don't have crazy anger management issues but in any case, anger is usually unproductive and leads to feelings of hatred. By leaving feelings of anger unchecked, it can build over the years leading to not only emotional but physical problems. The awesome D.L. says to deal with anger means to challenge it, not vent or merely to avoid. He also says negative feelings such as anger can be combated with feelings such as patience and tolerance but I'll talk about that on another day.
Anger, like denial or projection, is one of the ways we protect ourselves, it can help to mask underlying feelings. I wanted to challenge my anger. I've come to realize that over the last few months, I've pretty much gotten over the guy (THANKFULLY), as in, I no longer miss him, I don't want to key his car or leave a flaming bag of poo at his door step. I think that is progress.
But over the last two weeks, for one reason or another, the anger has creeped back into my life. I guess it's always a process and I always come to the conclusion that the emotions I feel rarely have anything to do with the guy but with myself. When I think of all those things that he said and did that made him unworthy, I realize that I'm not angry at him, I could care less about him. Instead, I've become so angry at myself. And not only for the way I was with him, but with so many guys before him. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I that desperate that I needed attention from someone like him? How did I let that happen even when I knew EXACTLY how things really were? YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, no wonder this happened to you. Thoughts like those constantly ream through my head, creating a hugeass roadblock.
That was really a long-winded way of saying that, despite my efforts to self-reflect and try and understand why I do the things I do in hopes of some positive change, I've been held back by my inability to forgive myself. That is not to say that the way I treated myself was alright and that it's okay for it to happen again. I definitely won't forget. But the anger at myself has definitely festered into self-hate (can you tell I love psycho babble?!) when my whole journey has been about self-love.
I realized all this on the TTC ride to work (seriously, where all the best thinking happens). It's like one of those breakthrough moments in therapy. How could I even begin my whole "love thyself" mission if I couldn't get over the hate? If I couldn't stop thinking of myself as a complete FOO. I might never really get to the root of why I began to think of myself as any less that I am, but if I really want to move on, I need to tell myself that I've made mistakes (or the same mistake over and over) and acted a fool but that doesn't mean it makes me incapable of being something different. Someone better.
Not forgiving myself. That is the arrow I need to pull out. What's yours?
- Shakyamuni, the Buddha
Lately I've been more self-reflective than usual. And I mean really self-reflective. That means questioning every emotion I'm feeling and trying to understand why I feel that way. Feelings like disappointment, bitterness, sadness, as well as happiness, contentment and compassion. It's probably all to do with my self-directed journey towards enlightenment (of some sort). My logic is, trying to understand where these emotions are coming from will hopefully lead me to a better understanding and knowledge of self, as well as others. Or just give me even more opportunities to be self-absorbed and talk about myself ;)
These days I find myself constantly reflecting on anger. What are the causes of anger and how do we overcome it? As you can see in my last post, I've dated and met a lot of winners in my life. The last one especially. I could and have gone on and on about how big of a loser he was, how he never deserved me but I've really been trying to let go of that hurt and anger.
While in some cases, anger can bring about positive change, as the Dalai Lama cites for example, anger at injustice can bring about feelings of love and compassion. But most of the time, anger is bad for you. It's self-consuming, clouds your judgment and turns 'rational' people into monsters. Maybe that's a little extreme for those who don't have crazy anger management issues but in any case, anger is usually unproductive and leads to feelings of hatred. By leaving feelings of anger unchecked, it can build over the years leading to not only emotional but physical problems. The awesome D.L. says to deal with anger means to challenge it, not vent or merely to avoid. He also says negative feelings such as anger can be combated with feelings such as patience and tolerance but I'll talk about that on another day.
Anger, like denial or projection, is one of the ways we protect ourselves, it can help to mask underlying feelings. I wanted to challenge my anger. I've come to realize that over the last few months, I've pretty much gotten over the guy (THANKFULLY), as in, I no longer miss him, I don't want to key his car or leave a flaming bag of poo at his door step. I think that is progress.
But over the last two weeks, for one reason or another, the anger has creeped back into my life. I guess it's always a process and I always come to the conclusion that the emotions I feel rarely have anything to do with the guy but with myself. When I think of all those things that he said and did that made him unworthy, I realize that I'm not angry at him, I could care less about him. Instead, I've become so angry at myself. And not only for the way I was with him, but with so many guys before him. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I that desperate that I needed attention from someone like him? How did I let that happen even when I knew EXACTLY how things really were? YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, no wonder this happened to you. Thoughts like those constantly ream through my head, creating a hugeass roadblock.
That was really a long-winded way of saying that, despite my efforts to self-reflect and try and understand why I do the things I do in hopes of some positive change, I've been held back by my inability to forgive myself. That is not to say that the way I treated myself was alright and that it's okay for it to happen again. I definitely won't forget. But the anger at myself has definitely festered into self-hate (can you tell I love psycho babble?!) when my whole journey has been about self-love.
I realized all this on the TTC ride to work (seriously, where all the best thinking happens). It's like one of those breakthrough moments in therapy. How could I even begin my whole "love thyself" mission if I couldn't get over the hate? If I couldn't stop thinking of myself as a complete FOO. I might never really get to the root of why I began to think of myself as any less that I am, but if I really want to move on, I need to tell myself that I've made mistakes (or the same mistake over and over) and acted a fool but that doesn't mean it makes me incapable of being something different. Someone better.
Not forgiving myself. That is the arrow I need to pull out. What's yours?
Monday, May 17, 2010
That's what he said: Things that guys have said to me that should've been a dealbreaker
According to UrbanDictionary.com a.k.a. the holder of all truth:
A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
For example: "The deal breaker was that he was married with kids and I don't condone adultery."
On the way to my evening shift (wink), I started thinking about stupid things guys have said to me over the years. And there have been many - guys and stupid things they've said. Of course, now when I look back, I keep asking myself "What the hell was I thinking??" but at the time, "love/like is blind" totally rang true and also, I was an eejit. Let's hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Okay, that doesn't apply because this is ALL true but let's hope the guys I'm quoting don't ever see this :D And in no particular order, here goes:
"Asian girls are so sexy. It was after you that I only want to date Asian girls now." And for that, I am deeply sorry to my Asian sisters.
Me: How old are you?
Him: 21 *Looks shifty eyed*
He was 18. Thank you Facebook.
"Feminism, eh? So, all that manhating and stuff?" No, feminists don't hate men but they probably just hate you.
Him: How about you? What music are you listening to these days?
Me: A lot of Lauryn Hill
Him: That's SO OLD!! (with disdain)
"Can I keep my weed in your freezer?" *Takes out a bag of weed the size of my fist*
"You must've had so much Japanese food there!"
and
"The Japanese food here probably doesn't even compare to the food back there."
He was right, the Japanese food in Hong Kong is much better than Toronto but homie, Hong Kong ain't Japan.
"I used to date girls that looked like import models, y'know, Asian girls with blonde hair." Awesome.
Me: Who would your ideal girl be in terms of race?
Him: Probably a white girl.
Er, not the right thing to say to your Chinese girlfriend.
"I don't read books, I only like reading things with pictures, like magazines."
"I don't really have friends." For good reason.
"I live in my parents' basement. It's pretty sweet. I don't mind it." Not knocking on all guys who live at home but when he says it's "pretty sweet," he sure as hell ain't movin' out. Ever.
"I pretty much leave my ex-girlfriends in shambles." I know, shoulda ran for the hills.
"I hate this 9 to 5 shit. I don't like this grown up stuff." You're 33. You OLD. And have been a waiter for the last 8 years. Suck it up biznatch.
"My name is Trigger." Okay, this was a deal breaker.
Then he added "I'm a rapper."
"I don't think I really need to finish school, I've gotten so far in my life without a degree." Said the recently laid off ex-drug dealer.
And I quote, directly from an e-mail:
"Your other questions after that.....that I can talk a lot about, but since I'm not going to re-read at this point, I'll just touch on maybe most of your inquiries." This man thought he was God's gift to women. Too much love from his mother perhaps.
"I'm an investment banker." Complete generalization but 97% chance he's a douche.
7pm
*Me waiting for him to come over at 7pm just as he said he would.*
8pm
*Still taking his sweet time*
9pm
*Finally shows up when free parking starts*
(While reluctantly webcamming, on my part, for the first time without having met in real life before)
"Wanna see my underwear?"
"Man, highways are awesome!! They're so much faster than local roads." After having lived in Toronto his entire life and been driving for the last 7 years, he made a life-altering discovery.
There are SO many more, but these are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head. I need to write this shit down! Clearly, some of these soundbytes are more fresh in my mind. One would think that recounting all that would be embarrassing but now it's just funny and a tad depressing. Hope I've learned a thing or two over the last decade.
Before I sign off, I will leave you the worst/best one:
"I'm so fucked up/I'm so messed up/I'm a bad person"
Ladies, when a guy openly admits this and says it over and over and over again, BELIEVE IT and don't try to fix him. Lesson learned.
Payce.
On the way to my evening shift (wink), I started thinking about stupid things guys have said to me over the years. And there have been many - guys and stupid things they've said. Of course, now when I look back, I keep asking myself "What the hell was I thinking??" but at the time, "love/like is blind" totally rang true and also, I was an eejit. Let's hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Okay, that doesn't apply because this is ALL true but let's hope the guys I'm quoting don't ever see this :D And in no particular order, here goes:
"Asian girls are so sexy. It was after you that I only want to date Asian girls now." And for that, I am deeply sorry to my Asian sisters.
Me: How old are you?
Him: 21 *Looks shifty eyed*
He was 18. Thank you Facebook.
"Feminism, eh? So, all that manhating and stuff?" No, feminists don't hate men but they probably just hate you.
Him: How about you? What music are you listening to these days?
Me: A lot of Lauryn Hill
Him: That's SO OLD!! (with disdain)
"Can I keep my weed in your freezer?" *Takes out a bag of weed the size of my fist*
"You must've had so much Japanese food there!"
and
"The Japanese food here probably doesn't even compare to the food back there."
He was right, the Japanese food in Hong Kong is much better than Toronto but homie, Hong Kong ain't Japan.
"I used to date girls that looked like import models, y'know, Asian girls with blonde hair." Awesome.
Me: Who would your ideal girl be in terms of race?
Him: Probably a white girl.
Er, not the right thing to say to your Chinese girlfriend.
"I don't read books, I only like reading things with pictures, like magazines."
"I don't really have friends." For good reason.
"I live in my parents' basement. It's pretty sweet. I don't mind it." Not knocking on all guys who live at home but when he says it's "pretty sweet," he sure as hell ain't movin' out. Ever.
"I pretty much leave my ex-girlfriends in shambles." I know, shoulda ran for the hills.
"I hate this 9 to 5 shit. I don't like this grown up stuff." You're 33. You OLD. And have been a waiter for the last 8 years. Suck it up biznatch.
"My name is Trigger." Okay, this was a deal breaker.
Then he added "I'm a rapper."
"I don't think I really need to finish school, I've gotten so far in my life without a degree." Said the recently laid off ex-drug dealer.
And I quote, directly from an e-mail:
"Your other questions after that.....that I can talk a lot about, but since I'm not going to re-read at this point, I'll just touch on maybe most of your inquiries." This man thought he was God's gift to women. Too much love from his mother perhaps.
"I'm an investment banker." Complete generalization but 97% chance he's a douche.
7pm
*Me waiting for him to come over at 7pm just as he said he would.*
8pm
*Still taking his sweet time*
9pm
*Finally shows up when free parking starts*
(While reluctantly webcamming, on my part, for the first time without having met in real life before)
"Wanna see my underwear?"
"Man, highways are awesome!! They're so much faster than local roads." After having lived in Toronto his entire life and been driving for the last 7 years, he made a life-altering discovery.
There are SO many more, but these are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head. I need to write this shit down! Clearly, some of these soundbytes are more fresh in my mind. One would think that recounting all that would be embarrassing but now it's just funny and a tad depressing. Hope I've learned a thing or two over the last decade.
Before I sign off, I will leave you the worst/best one:
"I'm so fucked up/I'm so messed up/I'm a bad person"
Ladies, when a guy openly admits this and says it over and over and over again, BELIEVE IT and don't try to fix him. Lesson learned.
Payce.
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