I did some outreach at a youth anti-racism conference today (didn't even know those existed!) and I think it was my first encounter with Toronto high school youth, ever, and the first time I've interacted with young people since I was in high school myself. Yeah, it's been a while and even though I find myself getting annoyed and muttering "them kids" more and more these days, what I saw today really inspired me. I've been missing out.
And since I have trouble structuring my paragraphs, I'll list out my observations and realizations in elaborated point forms :D
1) These young people are busy! I talked to a few, and while they were probably the keenest ones of the bunch, I got an idea of how much these teenagers are involved in their communities. Some of these youth are involved in 4-5 different initiatives, where they are leaders, educating and reaching out to their peers. Like, whoa. I remember doing the annual charity run for cancer...and yeah, that was about it. The true spirit of volunteerism was lost on me.
2) What a difference one teacher can make. My parents and brother will probably say "I told ya so" when I tell them this. As much as I've been trying to fight it, I do feel the inklings to become a teacher. Maybe not quite a highschool teacher but to have the same kind of impact. One kid (is it okay to call them kids?) said that he has one teacher that brings the youth out to these kinds of conferences and gets them involved in all different kinds of volunteer work. From the sounds of it, this teacher is a mentor to a lot of kids. A lot of pressure to be that kind of a role model but the rewards must amazing.
Another said that one of her teachers, who's openly gay, has also taken the students to an anti-homophobia conference where they learned about different types of oppressions and the kind if discrimination faced by those who don't identify as 'straight.' The student is also starting a Gay Straight Alliance group at her school. She is who I wish I could have been back in the day. What some of these kids are learning at 15, is what I've slowly had to learn in my 20s.
3) Youth are not the leaders of tomorrow, but the leaders of today. Okay, I stole that line from someone who quoted the Governor General Michaelle Jean. There's not much to elaborate on that one but I just wanted to throw that in there so I'll remember it in future days.
And I talk about youth like I'm not part of that group myself. While the years have taken their toll, I have to constantly remind myself that I'm somewhat of a young'un too...full of ideas, potential and hope. Hope that we really can make a difference and that it is our right and responsibility to reclaim the spaces that have been taken away from us.
Kids, let's do this.
**On another note, perhaps it's time I change the name of this blog. Maybe to something more hopeful? Mmmm nah.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Mid year resolution
Smart decisions only for the second half of 2010 (or third quarter??)! Who's with me?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A mile away
It's that Manifesto time of year again. Time for bboys, graf artists, community activists, performers of all kinds and appreciators of hip hop to gather for seven days of events, including free concerts, bboy battles and a filmfest, which I got to check out tonight.
The first documentary was called Invisible City:
"In the inner-city housing project of Toronto's Regent Park, Kendell and Mikey, like their surroundings are in the process of transformation; the environment and social pressure tempting them to make poor choices, their mothers and mentors rooting for them to succeed. Turning his camera on the often ignored inner city, Academy-award nominated director Hubert Davis sensitively depicts the disconnection of urban poverty and race from the mainstream."
Although it ran a little long, the documentary was moving and, I hate to say it but, eye-opening for someone as ignorant as I am of the challenges that other marginalized communities face. You hear about places like Regent Park, St. Jamestown, Jane and Finch and it's easy to forget how close we are geographically yet how we are seemingly worlds apart.
Sidenote: One particular scene that my friend and I talked about afterwards was when Kendell spoke with his guidance counselor about possibly moving from his current math class to a more advanced one, having received a 75 in his previous semester. She tells him that although he did well in the last class, she's not sure if he can make that jump to such an advanced class. In other words, no son, don't even bother trying harder because you WILL fail. Geez fuckin' louise. It reminded me of Malcolm X telling his grade school teacher that he wanted to be a lawyer, to which she replied, that wouldn't be "a realistic goal for a n*****." Malcolm wrote that he knew his teacher thought she was trying to be helpful by setting realistic goals for him but really, what all kids need in the least is someone that believes that they can do great things. Anyway, back to the point.
Regent park is one mile away from my apartment. Suddenly the "inner city" doesn't seem so far away. Issues like affordable housing, gentrification, social welfare, racial profiling, police/gang/youth related violence are a little more relevant and get uncomfortably close. As I sit here on my Mac, in my Ikea furnished apartment (paid for by my parents), getting ready to go to bed for another day of working in my bougie/borderline hipster office, I wonder, what am I really doing to make things 'better'?
I talk about social justice and probably mention the words civic engagement 15 times a week but really and truly, something like this just puts it all into perspective. We do what we can, for whichever communities we choose to engage in. We try to do our part. Our lives continue, we work, we play, we sleep. The days slip by and we lose ourselves in what matters in our lives. At the same time, those communities in our midst that are being demolished under the guise of "revitalization" begin to feel even more foreign, like it's in another city.
But once in a while, you remember they really aren't that far away. This is happening right next to us and we AREN'T worlds apart. These are our neighbours, the people we see on the street, the "thugs" we avoid sitting close to on the TTC, the news stories we read with our morning coffee.
And you realize...it's happening right here. Now that's real life.
It brings into perspective what needs to be changed in this city. It makes me think more about who will be the best leader to do that for this place we live in. This isn't just the Toronto I live in, it's the Toronto we all live in. ...Okay all this thinking is giving me a headache at 1:12am.
I should also mention, after all this gloom and doom, that throughout the documentary, there is also the underlying message of hope. Hope in a person's potential and hope that good things can and will happen, and that, I believe, is something we can all relate to.
Here's the trailer. I can't be bothered to try and make it fit but check it:
The first documentary was called Invisible City:
"In the inner-city housing project of Toronto's Regent Park, Kendell and Mikey, like their surroundings are in the process of transformation; the environment and social pressure tempting them to make poor choices, their mothers and mentors rooting for them to succeed. Turning his camera on the often ignored inner city, Academy-award nominated director Hubert Davis sensitively depicts the disconnection of urban poverty and race from the mainstream."
Although it ran a little long, the documentary was moving and, I hate to say it but, eye-opening for someone as ignorant as I am of the challenges that other marginalized communities face. You hear about places like Regent Park, St. Jamestown, Jane and Finch and it's easy to forget how close we are geographically yet how we are seemingly worlds apart.
Sidenote: One particular scene that my friend and I talked about afterwards was when Kendell spoke with his guidance counselor about possibly moving from his current math class to a more advanced one, having received a 75 in his previous semester. She tells him that although he did well in the last class, she's not sure if he can make that jump to such an advanced class. In other words, no son, don't even bother trying harder because you WILL fail. Geez fuckin' louise. It reminded me of Malcolm X telling his grade school teacher that he wanted to be a lawyer, to which she replied, that wouldn't be "a realistic goal for a n*****." Malcolm wrote that he knew his teacher thought she was trying to be helpful by setting realistic goals for him but really, what all kids need in the least is someone that believes that they can do great things. Anyway, back to the point.
Regent park is one mile away from my apartment. Suddenly the "inner city" doesn't seem so far away. Issues like affordable housing, gentrification, social welfare, racial profiling, police/gang/youth related violence are a little more relevant and get uncomfortably close. As I sit here on my Mac, in my Ikea furnished apartment (paid for by my parents), getting ready to go to bed for another day of working in my bougie/borderline hipster office, I wonder, what am I really doing to make things 'better'?
I talk about social justice and probably mention the words civic engagement 15 times a week but really and truly, something like this just puts it all into perspective. We do what we can, for whichever communities we choose to engage in. We try to do our part. Our lives continue, we work, we play, we sleep. The days slip by and we lose ourselves in what matters in our lives. At the same time, those communities in our midst that are being demolished under the guise of "revitalization" begin to feel even more foreign, like it's in another city.
But once in a while, you remember they really aren't that far away. This is happening right next to us and we AREN'T worlds apart. These are our neighbours, the people we see on the street, the "thugs" we avoid sitting close to on the TTC, the news stories we read with our morning coffee.
And you realize...it's happening right here. Now that's real life.
It brings into perspective what needs to be changed in this city. It makes me think more about who will be the best leader to do that for this place we live in. This isn't just the Toronto I live in, it's the Toronto we all live in. ...Okay all this thinking is giving me a headache at 1:12am.
I should also mention, after all this gloom and doom, that throughout the documentary, there is also the underlying message of hope. Hope in a person's potential and hope that good things can and will happen, and that, I believe, is something we can all relate to.
Here's the trailer. I can't be bothered to try and make it fit but check it:
Monday, July 26, 2010
Be a man, do the right thing.
I know I have all of two readers but I just had to put up this blog post I just read, which pretty accurately describes my feelings towards the concept of what it means to be a man and to "man up." He speaks the truth. Read and you shall learn :)
***
***
When She Says Man Up, She Has No Idea What She’s Talking About
I know some strong women.
Hard women, who put up with absolutely nothing.
These women call out their male friends for falling for another girl all quick, or roll their eyes whenever they hear a man is hurt over something another woman did. They are quick to tell men to man up and quit crying. A man gets sensitive over something a woman won’t get sensitive about, and she tells him there’s no need for all the sensitivity; starts bringing up all the ways a woman has it harder than a man and if she’s okay, he should be too.
She’ll say, “Man up.” The next time she says that, this will be my response…”Shut up.”
About a month ago, I tweeted out the following:
Gotta love how girls crack jokes on men who cry like girls but then turn around and cry when men act like men.
I have always said if a woman understood how difficult it is for a man to get to a place where he starts showing his feelings, she would never discredit him for doing so. A lot of men don’t have it in their DNA to wear their heart on their sleeves, so when we do, women should either try to help us out or step aside and let us figure out the problem ourselves. Any efforts short of those two should be saved for a later time when she and he can look back on the moment and laugh about it.
Coming from me, this may sound like some sort of defense. Anyone who has read this blog long enough knows I have no problem sharing my feelings on anything. I have no problem admitting when I have cried. I have no problem saying the last time I cried won’t be the last time I cry. I have no problem saying even if I hurt someone, I hurt myself in the process. None of this is because I want to throw some pity party. All of it is because I want women to understand not all men are stone cold, emotionally inept individuals who only get passionate about things like the playoffs.
Every time I pour my hear out, there’s always one comment from some woman who says something like, “Oh man up,” and I’m pretty sure she has absolutely, positively no idea what manning up is really about. But this isn’t for those commentators. This is for the women those commentators represent; the type of women who think they’re being critical but are only being comical.
I know some women would like to think they know what a real man is, but I’m pretty sure they either get their idea from television and the movies, or they get it from the men in their families, which is legit. A woman who wants a man like her father or uncles or brothers should go out and get that, especially if there are men out there who want women like their mothers, but I digress…
What this really is about is women who think they know what it is to man up and their narrow, dogmatic schemes of manhood. A man shouldn’t cry here, and a man should know exactly what to do there. All this nonsense makes me want to ask some women to throw me their copy of “Man Laws” and match it up with mine because sometimes I swear these women have an outdated version.
First we should act like a man. Then we should act like a grown man. I’m falling for none of it anymore. There are some blanket statements I have made in past posts about all women that may not apply to all women, but there is one blanket statement I can make about women that I know I am absolutely right about.
No woman knows what it’s like to be a man, not one has the faintest clue.
When a woman starts spouting off at the mouth about how a man wasn’t acting like a man and wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do as a man I get this sudden urge to challenge her to an arm wrestling match. She thinks because she plays with the big boys every now and then, she knows what it’s like to be a big boy. Little girl, please. If you’re one of those women who really think you’re more of a man than the next man, then by all means move on to the next man because what you really want is a man who’s right for you, not more of a man.
No real man will let another man tell him how to be a man, so he for damn sure won’t let a woman do it either. I was raised by a man from the old school, but I spent my whole life trying to disprove his old school notions of manhood. I didn’t think, and I still don’t think, there’s only one way for a man to be. I think there’s the man that I am and then there’s the man other men are, and if a woman wants to date me she needs to understand it is a wholly unique version of masculinity not made in the mold of her father, brother, uncle, best friend or Don Draper.
To me, telling a man to man up is like telling a woman to woman down, and start only doing things like cook or clean or both at the same time. And that doesn’t sound so 2010, does it?
As far as I’m concerned, a real man stays true to himself, his feelings, his beliefs, and his principles, and to man up is to never fall back on any of those things. If a woman can’t understand that, then oh well, looks like I was probably too much man for her.
***
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Oi
What do you get when you mix an Asian person's stomach (first thing in the morning) with:
Picture my face here -->
Where the Pepto and common sense at?
Picture my face here -->
Where the Pepto and common sense at?
Big girls don't cry?
Whatever Fergie Ferg. Maybe that would be true if we were all swimming in dollah dollah billz, married to Josh Duhamel and had an ass that won't (wouldn't?) quit but we do cry. And as intelligent, capable and ambitious as we are, sometimes we also feel utterly hopeless and defeated.
Maybe it's because we've always been taught that becoming an adult means being thin and beautiful, having nice things, getting the right education, finding the 'perfect' job, meeting the 'perfect' man and knowing exactly what you want to do with your life so that you can live happily ever after. And maybe because of that, we hold ourselves to impossible standards and when things don't go our way, we feel like we've failed and that there is something wrong with us. And whether we're striving to be the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend, co-worker, student or friend, no matter how hard we try, there are moments when we make mistakes and so many times when there are elements that we can't control.
I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist. My sentences have typos, I don't always double check things after I'm done and I am unfortunately not as detail-oriented as I'd like to be (seriously, best employee ever) but when it comes to certain things, in my delusions of grandeur, I think I can be perfect, or even worse, I think I AM perfect. I know, nutso right? When I inevitably fall from grace, I question everything. What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Could I have done things differently?
I always initially take things too personally and blow it way out of proportion but usually after a few hours (or days...or weeks) and conversations with friends and fam, I take a few steps back and eventually come to accept that:
1) Shit happens and there are many things we can't control
2) We're human and we are not perfect
3) Those imperfections don't cancel out the awesome
4) We will and can be better because we are in control of our own choices
5) We might make mistakes again and shit might keep happening but we're trying.
It's really not that we don't know how blessed and capable we are, but sometimes we do forget because real life gets in the way. We forget, but your friends don't. Your family doesn't. And the fog eventually clears and you realize that you don't have to be perfect but you come pretty damn close because you've persevered, gone for what you want and won't settle for less.
I'll probably read this and everything else I've written in five years and say "Whoa, drama queen!" but hopefully at the same time, I will also see how far I've come, in what ways I've grown and how much the friends and family around me have changed to become the people they want to be.
So for friends and others who are going through rough times cuz things aren't going quite as planned, remember, it ain't a crime to cry and feel like shit sometimes but know that this is just the weather and it too shall pass because I reiterate, nothing can cancel out the awesome.
And now I have to try really really hard to keep that in mind as I continue to look for a new job/apply for grad schools and try to be better to my friends, family and myself.
So what do you think, can I be the next Tony Robbins? ...Anyone? ...Anyone?
Maybe it's because we've always been taught that becoming an adult means being thin and beautiful, having nice things, getting the right education, finding the 'perfect' job, meeting the 'perfect' man and knowing exactly what you want to do with your life so that you can live happily ever after. And maybe because of that, we hold ourselves to impossible standards and when things don't go our way, we feel like we've failed and that there is something wrong with us. And whether we're striving to be the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend, co-worker, student or friend, no matter how hard we try, there are moments when we make mistakes and so many times when there are elements that we can't control.
I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist. My sentences have typos, I don't always double check things after I'm done and I am unfortunately not as detail-oriented as I'd like to be (seriously, best employee ever) but when it comes to certain things, in my delusions of grandeur, I think I can be perfect, or even worse, I think I AM perfect. I know, nutso right? When I inevitably fall from grace, I question everything. What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Could I have done things differently?
I always initially take things too personally and blow it way out of proportion but usually after a few hours (or days...or weeks) and conversations with friends and fam, I take a few steps back and eventually come to accept that:
1) Shit happens and there are many things we can't control
2) We're human and we are not perfect
3) Those imperfections don't cancel out the awesome
4) We will and can be better because we are in control of our own choices
5) We might make mistakes again and shit might keep happening but we're trying.
It's really not that we don't know how blessed and capable we are, but sometimes we do forget because real life gets in the way. We forget, but your friends don't. Your family doesn't. And the fog eventually clears and you realize that you don't have to be perfect but you come pretty damn close because you've persevered, gone for what you want and won't settle for less.
I'll probably read this and everything else I've written in five years and say "Whoa, drama queen!" but hopefully at the same time, I will also see how far I've come, in what ways I've grown and how much the friends and family around me have changed to become the people they want to be.
So for friends and others who are going through rough times cuz things aren't going quite as planned, remember, it ain't a crime to cry and feel like shit sometimes but know that this is just the weather and it too shall pass because I reiterate, nothing can cancel out the awesome.
And now I have to try really really hard to keep that in mind as I continue to look for a new job/apply for grad schools and try to be better to my friends, family and myself.
So what do you think, can I be the next Tony Robbins? ...Anyone? ...Anyone?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
My childhood celebrity crushes
And by childhood I mean up to age 12. These were serious crushes people. And I was, and probably always be, boy crazy.
1) Zack from Saved By the Bell - the hair, the smile, those schemes and that charm. How I loved you Zack Morris and how much I wanted to be Kelly.
2) Brandon Walsh - Dylan just didn't do it for me. I guess I had a thing for boyish goodlooks. I'm pretty sure I kissed his picture in Teen Beat a couple *ahem* hundred times.
3) Will the Thrill - this crush was the real thing. Like, crazy jealous of his ex-wife cuz she got there first kinda real. Never known a love like that ever since.
4) Damon Stoudamire - As a hardcore 11 year old basketball fan from Toronto, I had to love the Raptors and he was cute as haaell. If only he wasn't so injury prone. I have his signed rookie card in a drawer somewhere.
5) Grant Hill - Along the same vein, I loved Grant Hill. I remember having a flip book, one side was Penny, the other was Grant Hill. Along with preppy looking white boys, I apparently also had a preference for muscular black men. This picture isn't from his earlier career days but he's still pretty dang fine.
So these men, readers, were the hunks I dreamt of at night (and day). Or rather, the only ones I'll admit to liking now :D Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.
And notice there's no Asian representation? Speaks volumes yo! Though I guess I had my share of eye-candy when I went to church ;) Seriously, boy crazy.
1) Zack from Saved By the Bell - the hair, the smile, those schemes and that charm. How I loved you Zack Morris and how much I wanted to be Kelly.
2) Brandon Walsh - Dylan just didn't do it for me. I guess I had a thing for boyish goodlooks. I'm pretty sure I kissed his picture in Teen Beat a couple *ahem* hundred times.
3) Will the Thrill - this crush was the real thing. Like, crazy jealous of his ex-wife cuz she got there first kinda real. Never known a love like that ever since.
4) Damon Stoudamire - As a hardcore 11 year old basketball fan from Toronto, I had to love the Raptors and he was cute as haaell. If only he wasn't so injury prone. I have his signed rookie card in a drawer somewhere.
5) Grant Hill - Along the same vein, I loved Grant Hill. I remember having a flip book, one side was Penny, the other was Grant Hill. Along with preppy looking white boys, I apparently also had a preference for muscular black men. This picture isn't from his earlier career days but he's still pretty dang fine.
So these men, readers, were the hunks I dreamt of at night (and day). Or rather, the only ones I'll admit to liking now :D Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.
And notice there's no Asian representation? Speaks volumes yo! Though I guess I had my share of eye-candy when I went to church ;) Seriously, boy crazy.
Introducing: Two fellow bloggers...
...and true friends of mine! Both of whom endured four years of English Lit at Queen's just like me, so get excited for some truly great writing. They'll have you entertained, pondering and will leave you inspired with their thoughts and ideas.
First up is my very creative buddy Dave, who writes Derfington's Corner: reflective, thought-provoking, nerdy and reads like a great article. Over the years, we've bonded over Lost, DQ, A&P Chicken, Bboying (him - bboy, me - groupie), hip hop and most significantly for me, working at the school paper. Remember his name when you hit the bookstore in a few years - the man was born with a pen in his hand. Just like the rest of us, he is trying to figure out the maze that is our twenties and he's doing it, one blog post at a time.
And then there is Simon - aka Lam See Moon, Si, Simey, Sparky and my QB - who to most, needs no introduction. Follow his blog as he explores New York this summer and continues on his way to becoming the USA's first Canadian president. Animated, inspiring and descriptive, his enthusiasm is truly infectious. I mean, who can resist when he uses phrases like "absolutely fantasically"?? But don't let the lame jokes fool you, this man is a smart cookie and is out to change the world in big ways.
So, what are y'all waiting for? Ch-ch-ch-check it.
And to my former BT neighbours, let's rock this Twilight style! Hah. Talk about lame. I told you he was infectious!
First up is my very creative buddy Dave, who writes Derfington's Corner: reflective, thought-provoking, nerdy and reads like a great article. Over the years, we've bonded over Lost, DQ, A&P Chicken, Bboying (him - bboy, me - groupie), hip hop and most significantly for me, working at the school paper. Remember his name when you hit the bookstore in a few years - the man was born with a pen in his hand. Just like the rest of us, he is trying to figure out the maze that is our twenties and he's doing it, one blog post at a time.
And then there is Simon - aka Lam See Moon, Si, Simey, Sparky and my QB - who to most, needs no introduction. Follow his blog as he explores New York this summer and continues on his way to becoming the USA's first Canadian president. Animated, inspiring and descriptive, his enthusiasm is truly infectious. I mean, who can resist when he uses phrases like "absolutely fantasically"?? But don't let the lame jokes fool you, this man is a smart cookie and is out to change the world in big ways.
So, what are y'all waiting for? Ch-ch-ch-check it.
And to my former BT neighbours, let's rock this Twilight style! Hah. Talk about lame. I told you he was infectious!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Me at age 2...or something
My mom and dad keep sending me old school photos of our family when I'm at work. I swear that's the only reason why I keep putting these pictures up. That and the fact that I used to be absofrickenlutely cute.
Lessons from my brother
Trance is to House as 50 Cent is to Hip Hop.
Oops.
You learn somethin' new everyday. Thanks Bro!
Oops.
You learn somethin' new everyday. Thanks Bro!
Lessons from B
Because I realized I got
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend
- "Me Myself and I," Beyonce
I can't say I'm a huge fan of B's these days because she's so friggin over the top but every time I hear this song, I just wanna yell "Sing it girl!" You can picture it now, can't you.
Out of all my friends, I am the most dependent on my homies. I need to talk to them, find out what's happening in their lives, give them updates on mine and just talk about completely random mundane things like what we're both making for dinner or our bowel movements (yeah I did). And when I don't talk to my good friends for a few days I really start to miss them. Heart pangs kinda missing. Like my life is different without them and I don't like it. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I've grown to accept that I'm just the type of person who is very attached to those that I care about and though I can be clingy, I will also return the favour and listen whenever they need an ear or a shoulder to cry on...or an eating/shopping/clubbing/biking/walking/gymming/tv watching buddy. Though I draw the line at movies. I will always be an SATC movie hater :P
While none of that has changed, I've also come to really appreciate the time I have on my own. I don't think I was ever that comfortable with just chilling at home or going out and doing things by myself but I am starting to enjoy the solitude. Okay, maybe solitude is stretching it but what it means to me is just taking time for yourself and doing something truly relaxing and mind-clearing. For me, that's been swimming, the occasional bike ride, taking a non-emo walk, reading outside somewhere or just hanging out at home with no agenda at all.
That used to make me anxious. I always had my tv shows to watch and books to read but the loneliness made it really hard to enjoy that time. Instead, I would make sure that someone would be online to talk to so it would be more bearable. Those feelings of loneliness are definitely magnified after some kind of heartache (a different kind of heart pain) or hormonal fluctuations but I've also started to become a person that gets excited about having that alone time. I know I already think too much..about the past, present and future, but having that time to think is a pleasure in itself. Maybe that's why I secretly enjoy those TTC rides...sometimes.
I don't quite know where I'm going with this. I still do feel lonely sometimes. I miss my fam, I miss my friends (even when we live in the same city), I miss people who used to be part of my life...but most of the time, along with all that missing, I am happy to be alone and happier that I don't feel lonely. It's weird y'know? When you realize that things you used to dread have suddenly become enjoyable. And with that realization, I'm also hopefully progressing on my whole journey of self-love (...or my slow descent into becoming a recluse). Cuz loving yourself means treating yourself well - mind, body and soul. And the alone time is good for the soul.
Which brings me to being good to my body. I really do feel bad after I eat unhealthy things. Not really cuz of the calorie factor or the disgusting feeling after overeating but the fact that I'm ingesting greasy, sugary, fatty foods and making my body suffer in the process is unsettling. Wow, how did I go from Beyonce to this. Point is, if I really do love my body and want to be good to it, would I charge into my weekends with an agenda to eat myself silly into several food comas? Eek. And would I only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night when I know I need 7-8 to feel human?
Definitely a work in progress. But once my work is done, I too will become a multimillionaire, marry Jigga and truly be my own best friend. Because that is what life is all about.
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend
- "Me Myself and I," Beyonce
I can't say I'm a huge fan of B's these days because she's so friggin over the top but every time I hear this song, I just wanna yell "Sing it girl!" You can picture it now, can't you.
Out of all my friends, I am the most dependent on my homies. I need to talk to them, find out what's happening in their lives, give them updates on mine and just talk about completely random mundane things like what we're both making for dinner or our bowel movements (yeah I did). And when I don't talk to my good friends for a few days I really start to miss them. Heart pangs kinda missing. Like my life is different without them and I don't like it. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I've grown to accept that I'm just the type of person who is very attached to those that I care about and though I can be clingy, I will also return the favour and listen whenever they need an ear or a shoulder to cry on...or an eating/shopping/clubbing/biking/walking/gymming/tv watching buddy. Though I draw the line at movies. I will always be an SATC movie hater :P
While none of that has changed, I've also come to really appreciate the time I have on my own. I don't think I was ever that comfortable with just chilling at home or going out and doing things by myself but I am starting to enjoy the solitude. Okay, maybe solitude is stretching it but what it means to me is just taking time for yourself and doing something truly relaxing and mind-clearing. For me, that's been swimming, the occasional bike ride, taking a non-emo walk, reading outside somewhere or just hanging out at home with no agenda at all.
That used to make me anxious. I always had my tv shows to watch and books to read but the loneliness made it really hard to enjoy that time. Instead, I would make sure that someone would be online to talk to so it would be more bearable. Those feelings of loneliness are definitely magnified after some kind of heartache (a different kind of heart pain) or hormonal fluctuations but I've also started to become a person that gets excited about having that alone time. I know I already think too much..about the past, present and future, but having that time to think is a pleasure in itself. Maybe that's why I secretly enjoy those TTC rides...sometimes.
I don't quite know where I'm going with this. I still do feel lonely sometimes. I miss my fam, I miss my friends (even when we live in the same city), I miss people who used to be part of my life...but most of the time, along with all that missing, I am happy to be alone and happier that I don't feel lonely. It's weird y'know? When you realize that things you used to dread have suddenly become enjoyable. And with that realization, I'm also hopefully progressing on my whole journey of self-love (...or my slow descent into becoming a recluse). Cuz loving yourself means treating yourself well - mind, body and soul. And the alone time is good for the soul.
Which brings me to being good to my body. I really do feel bad after I eat unhealthy things. Not really cuz of the calorie factor or the disgusting feeling after overeating but the fact that I'm ingesting greasy, sugary, fatty foods and making my body suffer in the process is unsettling. Wow, how did I go from Beyonce to this. Point is, if I really do love my body and want to be good to it, would I charge into my weekends with an agenda to eat myself silly into several food comas? Eek. And would I only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night when I know I need 7-8 to feel human?
Definitely a work in progress. But once my work is done, I too will become a multimillionaire, marry Jigga and truly be my own best friend. Because that is what life is all about.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Throwback to Cheeky Wednesdays
This picture pretty much sums up what it used to be like (I hope it's in the past) to go clubbing with me...
As you can see, I am not in this picture.
...because I was probably off with some random eejit. Haha sad, funny and true...like most things I talk about on this blog.
As you can see, I am not in this picture.
...because I was probably off with some random eejit. Haha sad, funny and true...like most things I talk about on this blog.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Miley Cyrus, is that you?
When I first saw this picture I shamefully thought I was doing the "chinky eyes" thing but then realized that that's just what happens when you squeeze a small chubby Asian face ^_^
Is fashion sense inherited?
...Cuz I think I just found out where my love for florals, rompers, floral rompers and shoes that look like Keds comes from O_o
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Counting the good things
Pictures of things over the last week that have made me happy:
1) The tiny abandonned kitten that showed up at work, which was actually a little sad but I'd like to think Mao is being taken care of now. I swear we had a connection when we were meowing at each other.
2) My favourite bb that's actually a baby
3) Vee visiting!
4) Strawberry-Rhubarb pie, coffee, books and beautiful weather
5) My new rusty pink bike (after my messy paint job) from Chinatown, still thinking of a name for her. Is she a lemon or will she last through the summer? Only time will tell.
It's the little things :)
1) The tiny abandonned kitten that showed up at work, which was actually a little sad but I'd like to think Mao is being taken care of now. I swear we had a connection when we were meowing at each other.
2) My favourite bb that's actually a baby
3) Vee visiting!
4) Strawberry-Rhubarb pie, coffee, books and beautiful weather
5) My new rusty pink bike (after my messy paint job) from Chinatown, still thinking of a name for her. Is she a lemon or will she last through the summer? Only time will tell.
It's the little things :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Way of the Big D.L. / On Anger
"If one comes across a person who has been shot by an arrow, one does not spend time wondering about where the arrow came from, or the caste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing what type of wood the shaft is made of, or the manner in which the arrowhead was fashioned. Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling out the arrow.
- Shakyamuni, the Buddha
Lately I've been more self-reflective than usual. And I mean really self-reflective. That means questioning every emotion I'm feeling and trying to understand why I feel that way. Feelings like disappointment, bitterness, sadness, as well as happiness, contentment and compassion. It's probably all to do with my self-directed journey towards enlightenment (of some sort). My logic is, trying to understand where these emotions are coming from will hopefully lead me to a better understanding and knowledge of self, as well as others. Or just give me even more opportunities to be self-absorbed and talk about myself ;)
These days I find myself constantly reflecting on anger. What are the causes of anger and how do we overcome it? As you can see in my last post, I've dated and met a lot of winners in my life. The last one especially. I could and have gone on and on about how big of a loser he was, how he never deserved me but I've really been trying to let go of that hurt and anger.
While in some cases, anger can bring about positive change, as the Dalai Lama cites for example, anger at injustice can bring about feelings of love and compassion. But most of the time, anger is bad for you. It's self-consuming, clouds your judgment and turns 'rational' people into monsters. Maybe that's a little extreme for those who don't have crazy anger management issues but in any case, anger is usually unproductive and leads to feelings of hatred. By leaving feelings of anger unchecked, it can build over the years leading to not only emotional but physical problems. The awesome D.L. says to deal with anger means to challenge it, not vent or merely to avoid. He also says negative feelings such as anger can be combated with feelings such as patience and tolerance but I'll talk about that on another day.
Anger, like denial or projection, is one of the ways we protect ourselves, it can help to mask underlying feelings. I wanted to challenge my anger. I've come to realize that over the last few months, I've pretty much gotten over the guy (THANKFULLY), as in, I no longer miss him, I don't want to key his car or leave a flaming bag of poo at his door step. I think that is progress.
But over the last two weeks, for one reason or another, the anger has creeped back into my life. I guess it's always a process and I always come to the conclusion that the emotions I feel rarely have anything to do with the guy but with myself. When I think of all those things that he said and did that made him unworthy, I realize that I'm not angry at him, I could care less about him. Instead, I've become so angry at myself. And not only for the way I was with him, but with so many guys before him. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I that desperate that I needed attention from someone like him? How did I let that happen even when I knew EXACTLY how things really were? YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, no wonder this happened to you. Thoughts like those constantly ream through my head, creating a hugeass roadblock.
That was really a long-winded way of saying that, despite my efforts to self-reflect and try and understand why I do the things I do in hopes of some positive change, I've been held back by my inability to forgive myself. That is not to say that the way I treated myself was alright and that it's okay for it to happen again. I definitely won't forget. But the anger at myself has definitely festered into self-hate (can you tell I love psycho babble?!) when my whole journey has been about self-love.
I realized all this on the TTC ride to work (seriously, where all the best thinking happens). It's like one of those breakthrough moments in therapy. How could I even begin my whole "love thyself" mission if I couldn't get over the hate? If I couldn't stop thinking of myself as a complete FOO. I might never really get to the root of why I began to think of myself as any less that I am, but if I really want to move on, I need to tell myself that I've made mistakes (or the same mistake over and over) and acted a fool but that doesn't mean it makes me incapable of being something different. Someone better.
Not forgiving myself. That is the arrow I need to pull out. What's yours?
- Shakyamuni, the Buddha
Lately I've been more self-reflective than usual. And I mean really self-reflective. That means questioning every emotion I'm feeling and trying to understand why I feel that way. Feelings like disappointment, bitterness, sadness, as well as happiness, contentment and compassion. It's probably all to do with my self-directed journey towards enlightenment (of some sort). My logic is, trying to understand where these emotions are coming from will hopefully lead me to a better understanding and knowledge of self, as well as others. Or just give me even more opportunities to be self-absorbed and talk about myself ;)
These days I find myself constantly reflecting on anger. What are the causes of anger and how do we overcome it? As you can see in my last post, I've dated and met a lot of winners in my life. The last one especially. I could and have gone on and on about how big of a loser he was, how he never deserved me but I've really been trying to let go of that hurt and anger.
While in some cases, anger can bring about positive change, as the Dalai Lama cites for example, anger at injustice can bring about feelings of love and compassion. But most of the time, anger is bad for you. It's self-consuming, clouds your judgment and turns 'rational' people into monsters. Maybe that's a little extreme for those who don't have crazy anger management issues but in any case, anger is usually unproductive and leads to feelings of hatred. By leaving feelings of anger unchecked, it can build over the years leading to not only emotional but physical problems. The awesome D.L. says to deal with anger means to challenge it, not vent or merely to avoid. He also says negative feelings such as anger can be combated with feelings such as patience and tolerance but I'll talk about that on another day.
Anger, like denial or projection, is one of the ways we protect ourselves, it can help to mask underlying feelings. I wanted to challenge my anger. I've come to realize that over the last few months, I've pretty much gotten over the guy (THANKFULLY), as in, I no longer miss him, I don't want to key his car or leave a flaming bag of poo at his door step. I think that is progress.
But over the last two weeks, for one reason or another, the anger has creeped back into my life. I guess it's always a process and I always come to the conclusion that the emotions I feel rarely have anything to do with the guy but with myself. When I think of all those things that he said and did that made him unworthy, I realize that I'm not angry at him, I could care less about him. Instead, I've become so angry at myself. And not only for the way I was with him, but with so many guys before him. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I that desperate that I needed attention from someone like him? How did I let that happen even when I knew EXACTLY how things really were? YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, no wonder this happened to you. Thoughts like those constantly ream through my head, creating a hugeass roadblock.
That was really a long-winded way of saying that, despite my efforts to self-reflect and try and understand why I do the things I do in hopes of some positive change, I've been held back by my inability to forgive myself. That is not to say that the way I treated myself was alright and that it's okay for it to happen again. I definitely won't forget. But the anger at myself has definitely festered into self-hate (can you tell I love psycho babble?!) when my whole journey has been about self-love.
I realized all this on the TTC ride to work (seriously, where all the best thinking happens). It's like one of those breakthrough moments in therapy. How could I even begin my whole "love thyself" mission if I couldn't get over the hate? If I couldn't stop thinking of myself as a complete FOO. I might never really get to the root of why I began to think of myself as any less that I am, but if I really want to move on, I need to tell myself that I've made mistakes (or the same mistake over and over) and acted a fool but that doesn't mean it makes me incapable of being something different. Someone better.
Not forgiving myself. That is the arrow I need to pull out. What's yours?
Monday, May 17, 2010
That's what he said: Things that guys have said to me that should've been a dealbreaker
According to UrbanDictionary.com a.k.a. the holder of all truth:
A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.
For example: "The deal breaker was that he was married with kids and I don't condone adultery."
On the way to my evening shift (wink), I started thinking about stupid things guys have said to me over the years. And there have been many - guys and stupid things they've said. Of course, now when I look back, I keep asking myself "What the hell was I thinking??" but at the time, "love/like is blind" totally rang true and also, I was an eejit. Let's hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Okay, that doesn't apply because this is ALL true but let's hope the guys I'm quoting don't ever see this :D And in no particular order, here goes:
"Asian girls are so sexy. It was after you that I only want to date Asian girls now." And for that, I am deeply sorry to my Asian sisters.
Me: How old are you?
Him: 21 *Looks shifty eyed*
He was 18. Thank you Facebook.
"Feminism, eh? So, all that manhating and stuff?" No, feminists don't hate men but they probably just hate you.
Him: How about you? What music are you listening to these days?
Me: A lot of Lauryn Hill
Him: That's SO OLD!! (with disdain)
"Can I keep my weed in your freezer?" *Takes out a bag of weed the size of my fist*
"You must've had so much Japanese food there!"
and
"The Japanese food here probably doesn't even compare to the food back there."
He was right, the Japanese food in Hong Kong is much better than Toronto but homie, Hong Kong ain't Japan.
"I used to date girls that looked like import models, y'know, Asian girls with blonde hair." Awesome.
Me: Who would your ideal girl be in terms of race?
Him: Probably a white girl.
Er, not the right thing to say to your Chinese girlfriend.
"I don't read books, I only like reading things with pictures, like magazines."
"I don't really have friends." For good reason.
"I live in my parents' basement. It's pretty sweet. I don't mind it." Not knocking on all guys who live at home but when he says it's "pretty sweet," he sure as hell ain't movin' out. Ever.
"I pretty much leave my ex-girlfriends in shambles." I know, shoulda ran for the hills.
"I hate this 9 to 5 shit. I don't like this grown up stuff." You're 33. You OLD. And have been a waiter for the last 8 years. Suck it up biznatch.
"My name is Trigger." Okay, this was a deal breaker.
Then he added "I'm a rapper."
"I don't think I really need to finish school, I've gotten so far in my life without a degree." Said the recently laid off ex-drug dealer.
And I quote, directly from an e-mail:
"Your other questions after that.....that I can talk a lot about, but since I'm not going to re-read at this point, I'll just touch on maybe most of your inquiries." This man thought he was God's gift to women. Too much love from his mother perhaps.
"I'm an investment banker." Complete generalization but 97% chance he's a douche.
7pm
*Me waiting for him to come over at 7pm just as he said he would.*
8pm
*Still taking his sweet time*
9pm
*Finally shows up when free parking starts*
(While reluctantly webcamming, on my part, for the first time without having met in real life before)
"Wanna see my underwear?"
"Man, highways are awesome!! They're so much faster than local roads." After having lived in Toronto his entire life and been driving for the last 7 years, he made a life-altering discovery.
There are SO many more, but these are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head. I need to write this shit down! Clearly, some of these soundbytes are more fresh in my mind. One would think that recounting all that would be embarrassing but now it's just funny and a tad depressing. Hope I've learned a thing or two over the last decade.
Before I sign off, I will leave you the worst/best one:
"I'm so fucked up/I'm so messed up/I'm a bad person"
Ladies, when a guy openly admits this and says it over and over and over again, BELIEVE IT and don't try to fix him. Lesson learned.
Payce.
On the way to my evening shift (wink), I started thinking about stupid things guys have said to me over the years. And there have been many - guys and stupid things they've said. Of course, now when I look back, I keep asking myself "What the hell was I thinking??" but at the time, "love/like is blind" totally rang true and also, I was an eejit. Let's hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Okay, that doesn't apply because this is ALL true but let's hope the guys I'm quoting don't ever see this :D And in no particular order, here goes:
"Asian girls are so sexy. It was after you that I only want to date Asian girls now." And for that, I am deeply sorry to my Asian sisters.
Me: How old are you?
Him: 21 *Looks shifty eyed*
He was 18. Thank you Facebook.
"Feminism, eh? So, all that manhating and stuff?" No, feminists don't hate men but they probably just hate you.
Him: How about you? What music are you listening to these days?
Me: A lot of Lauryn Hill
Him: That's SO OLD!! (with disdain)
"Can I keep my weed in your freezer?" *Takes out a bag of weed the size of my fist*
"You must've had so much Japanese food there!"
and
"The Japanese food here probably doesn't even compare to the food back there."
He was right, the Japanese food in Hong Kong is much better than Toronto but homie, Hong Kong ain't Japan.
"I used to date girls that looked like import models, y'know, Asian girls with blonde hair." Awesome.
Me: Who would your ideal girl be in terms of race?
Him: Probably a white girl.
Er, not the right thing to say to your Chinese girlfriend.
"I don't read books, I only like reading things with pictures, like magazines."
"I don't really have friends." For good reason.
"I live in my parents' basement. It's pretty sweet. I don't mind it." Not knocking on all guys who live at home but when he says it's "pretty sweet," he sure as hell ain't movin' out. Ever.
"I pretty much leave my ex-girlfriends in shambles." I know, shoulda ran for the hills.
"I hate this 9 to 5 shit. I don't like this grown up stuff." You're 33. You OLD. And have been a waiter for the last 8 years. Suck it up biznatch.
"My name is Trigger." Okay, this was a deal breaker.
Then he added "I'm a rapper."
"I don't think I really need to finish school, I've gotten so far in my life without a degree." Said the recently laid off ex-drug dealer.
And I quote, directly from an e-mail:
"Your other questions after that.....that I can talk a lot about, but since I'm not going to re-read at this point, I'll just touch on maybe most of your inquiries." This man thought he was God's gift to women. Too much love from his mother perhaps.
"I'm an investment banker." Complete generalization but 97% chance he's a douche.
7pm
*Me waiting for him to come over at 7pm just as he said he would.*
8pm
*Still taking his sweet time*
9pm
*Finally shows up when free parking starts*
(While reluctantly webcamming, on my part, for the first time without having met in real life before)
"Wanna see my underwear?"
"Man, highways are awesome!! They're so much faster than local roads." After having lived in Toronto his entire life and been driving for the last 7 years, he made a life-altering discovery.
There are SO many more, but these are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head. I need to write this shit down! Clearly, some of these soundbytes are more fresh in my mind. One would think that recounting all that would be embarrassing but now it's just funny and a tad depressing. Hope I've learned a thing or two over the last decade.
Before I sign off, I will leave you the worst/best one:
"I'm so fucked up/I'm so messed up/I'm a bad person"
Ladies, when a guy openly admits this and says it over and over and over again, BELIEVE IT and don't try to fix him. Lesson learned.
Payce.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
YOU are an abomination.
One of my coworkers told me to sit down and chat with them during their lunch hour. In the next ten minutes, I found out that my coworkers (even the ones I like) are not only ignorant but prejudiced and hateful. Apparently their religion teaches them that homosexuality is an abomination and gay pride parade reduces humans to animals because of its blatant sexuality and nudity.
If I looked like you, I wouldn't be comfortable with nudity either.
Disgusting, but why am I surprised? According to these people, God preaches hate. That is not what I signed on for.
If I looked like you, I wouldn't be comfortable with nudity either.
Disgusting, but why am I surprised? According to these people, God preaches hate. That is not what I signed on for.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
You're Asian. I think I love you.
I came across this really interesting post on the blog Stuff White People Do (how did I not find this sooner?!).
A two-part post, one written by an Asian American female who is dating a white male and an Asian woman who describes herself as "mixed cultured." In this post, they both explore their own experiences with interracial dating, namely with white men and discuss some typical occurrences (traveling through Europe with her white boyfriend and having the train ticket booth guy try and speak Japanese to her while speaking English to the boyfriend) but more importantly, they discuss the challenges of bringing up the subject of race with someone who might be aware of racism but is less critical about their own privilege as a white male. Then they also go on to question why they are attracted to their white partners. She writes,"Am I attracted to him because he is white? Do I see white as desirable?"
Later and more interestingly, she flips that question. Do white guys ever ask why an Asian girl, or woman of colour, is with them? As long as they're getting some, do they care?
I find this post so interesting because a few years ago I probably would've been asking myself the same questions and wondering whether I was attracted to a guy because of his whiteness (amongst other things) but now, what's odd is that the opposite has happened. I keep asking myself, "do I only like him because he's Asian?"
In part, as a reaction to being critical about my past attraction to white guys, I've gone the opposite direction and seem to exclusively prefer Asian guys, almost blindly.
Asian guys are awesome, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? I think I've come to realize that while I might prefer dating Asian guys because we come from similar cultures and might speak bits and pieces of the same language, when it comes to the issues that are important to me, all that race, gender, sexuality, class bizness, they are not any more likely to be critical or openminded. And you know what? They are probably just as likely to tell me that Asian women have nothing to complain about because we have tons of guys after us whereas Asian men get no love (TRUE STORY, I've got original chat transcripts if anyone wants to see). Cry me a fucking river.
Maybe I should just date myself.
A two-part post, one written by an Asian American female who is dating a white male and an Asian woman who describes herself as "mixed cultured." In this post, they both explore their own experiences with interracial dating, namely with white men and discuss some typical occurrences (traveling through Europe with her white boyfriend and having the train ticket booth guy try and speak Japanese to her while speaking English to the boyfriend) but more importantly, they discuss the challenges of bringing up the subject of race with someone who might be aware of racism but is less critical about their own privilege as a white male. Then they also go on to question why they are attracted to their white partners. She writes,"Am I attracted to him because he is white? Do I see white as desirable?"
Later and more interestingly, she flips that question. Do white guys ever ask why an Asian girl, or woman of colour, is with them? As long as they're getting some, do they care?
I find this post so interesting because a few years ago I probably would've been asking myself the same questions and wondering whether I was attracted to a guy because of his whiteness (amongst other things) but now, what's odd is that the opposite has happened. I keep asking myself, "do I only like him because he's Asian?"
In part, as a reaction to being critical about my past attraction to white guys, I've gone the opposite direction and seem to exclusively prefer Asian guys, almost blindly.
Asian guys are awesome, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? I think I've come to realize that while I might prefer dating Asian guys because we come from similar cultures and might speak bits and pieces of the same language, when it comes to the issues that are important to me, all that race, gender, sexuality, class bizness, they are not any more likely to be critical or openminded. And you know what? They are probably just as likely to tell me that Asian women have nothing to complain about because we have tons of guys after us whereas Asian men get no love (TRUE STORY, I've got original chat transcripts if anyone wants to see). Cry me a fucking river.
Maybe I should just date myself.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This is my Winter Song to you
In honour of our would be five year anniversary this week:
I still believe in summer days
The seasons always change
And life will find a way
I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again
It's lonely inside the pod.
I still believe in summer days
The seasons always change
And life will find a way
I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again
It's lonely inside the pod.
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