Oi

What do you get when you mix an Asian person's stomach (first thing in the morning) with:


Picture my face here -->



Where the Pepto and common sense at?

Big girls don't cry?

Whatever Fergie Ferg. Maybe that would be true if we were all swimming in dollah dollah billz, married to Josh Duhamel and had an ass that won't (wouldn't?) quit but we do cry. And as intelligent, capable and ambitious as we are, sometimes we also feel utterly hopeless and defeated.

Maybe it's because we've always been taught that becoming an adult means being thin and beautiful, having nice things, getting the right education, finding the 'perfect' job, meeting the 'perfect' man and knowing exactly what you want to do with your life so that you can live happily ever after. And maybe because of that, we hold ourselves to impossible standards and when things don't go our way, we feel like we've failed and that there is something wrong with us. And whether we're striving to be the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend, co-worker, student or friend, no matter how hard we try, there are moments when we make mistakes and so many times when there are elements that we can't control.

I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist. My sentences have typos, I don't always double check things after I'm done and I am unfortunately not as detail-oriented as I'd like to be (seriously, best employee ever) but when it comes to certain things, in my delusions of grandeur, I think I can be perfect, or even worse, I think I AM perfect. I know, nutso right? When I inevitably fall from grace, I question everything. What's wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Could I have done things differently?

I always initially take things too personally and blow it way out of proportion but usually after a few hours (or days...or weeks) and conversations with friends and fam, I take a few steps back and eventually come to accept that:
1) Shit happens and there are many things we can't control
2) We're human and we are not perfect
3) Those imperfections don't cancel out the awesome
4) We will and can be better because we are in control of our own choices
5) We might make mistakes again and shit might keep happening but we're trying.

It's really not that we don't know how blessed and capable we are, but sometimes we do forget because real life gets in the way. We forget, but your friends don't. Your family doesn't. And the fog eventually clears and you realize that you don't have to be perfect but you come pretty damn close because you've persevered, gone for what you want and won't settle for less.

I'll probably read this and everything else I've written in five years and say "Whoa, drama queen!" but hopefully at the same time, I will also see how far I've come, in what ways I've grown and how much the friends and family around me have changed to become the people they want to be.

So for friends and others who are going through rough times cuz things aren't going quite as planned, remember, it ain't a crime to cry and feel like shit sometimes but know that this is just the weather and it too shall pass because I reiterate, nothing can cancel out the awesome.

And now I have to try really really hard to keep that in mind as I continue to look for a new job/apply for grad schools and try to be better to my friends, family and myself.

So what do you think, can I be the next Tony Robbins? ...Anyone? ...Anyone?

My childhood celebrity crushes

And by childhood I mean up to age 12. These were serious crushes people. And I was, and probably always be, boy crazy.

1) Zack from Saved By the Bell - the hair, the smile, those schemes and that charm. How I loved you Zack Morris and how much I wanted to be Kelly.



2) Brandon Walsh - Dylan just didn't do it for me. I guess I had a thing for boyish goodlooks. I'm pretty sure I kissed his picture in Teen Beat a couple *ahem* hundred times.



3) Will the Thrill - this crush was the real thing. Like, crazy jealous of his ex-wife cuz she got there first kinda real. Never known a love like that ever since.



4) Damon Stoudamire - As a hardcore 11 year old basketball fan from Toronto, I had to love the Raptors and he was cute as haaell. If only he wasn't so injury prone. I have his signed rookie card in a drawer somewhere.



5) Grant Hill - Along the same vein, I loved Grant Hill. I remember having a flip book, one side was Penny, the other was Grant Hill. Along with preppy looking white boys, I apparently also had a preference for muscular black men. This picture isn't from his earlier career days but he's still pretty dang fine.



So these men, readers, were the hunks I dreamt of at night (and day). Or rather, the only ones I'll admit to liking now :D Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.

And notice there's no Asian representation? Speaks volumes yo! Though I guess I had my share of eye-candy when I went to church ;) Seriously, boy crazy.

Introducing: Two fellow bloggers...

...and true friends of mine! Both of whom endured four years of English Lit at Queen's just like me, so get excited for some truly great writing. They'll have you entertained, pondering and will leave you inspired with their thoughts and ideas.

First up is my very creative buddy Dave, who writes Derfington's Corner: reflective, thought-provoking, nerdy and reads like a great article. Over the years, we've bonded over Lost, DQ, A&P Chicken, Bboying (him - bboy, me - groupie), hip hop and most significantly for me, working at the school paper. Remember his name when you hit the bookstore in a few years - the man was born with a pen in his hand. Just like the rest of us, he is trying to figure out the maze that is our twenties and he's doing it, one blog post at a time.

And then there is Simon - aka Lam See Moon, Si, Simey, Sparky and my QB - who to most, needs no introduction. Follow his blog as he explores New York this summer and continues on his way to becoming the USA's first Canadian president. Animated, inspiring and descriptive, his enthusiasm is truly infectious. I mean, who can resist when he uses phrases like "absolutely fantasically"?? But don't let the lame jokes fool you, this man is a smart cookie and is out to change the world in big ways.

So, what are y'all waiting for? Ch-ch-ch-check it.

And to my former BT neighbours, let's rock this Twilight style! Hah. Talk about lame. I told you he was infectious!

Me at age 2...or something

My mom and dad keep sending me old school photos of our family when I'm at work. I swear that's the only reason why I keep putting these pictures up. That and the fact that I used to be absofrickenlutely cute.

Lessons from my brother

Trance is to House as 50 Cent is to Hip Hop.

Oops.

You learn somethin' new everyday. Thanks Bro!

Lessons from B

Because I realized I got
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend
- "Me Myself and I," Beyonce

I can't say I'm a huge fan of B's these days because she's so friggin over the top but every time I hear this song, I just wanna yell "Sing it girl!" You can picture it now, can't you.

Out of all my friends, I am the most dependent on my homies. I need to talk to them, find out what's happening in their lives, give them updates on mine and just talk about completely random mundane things like what we're both making for dinner or our bowel movements (yeah I did). And when I don't talk to my good friends for a few days I really start to miss them. Heart pangs kinda missing. Like my life is different without them and I don't like it. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I've grown to accept that I'm just the type of person who is very attached to those that I care about and though I can be clingy, I will also return the favour and listen whenever they need an ear or a shoulder to cry on...or an eating/shopping/clubbing/biking/walking/gymming/tv watching buddy. Though I draw the line at movies. I will always be an SATC movie hater :P

While none of that has changed, I've also come to really appreciate the time I have on my own. I don't think I was ever that comfortable with just chilling at home or going out and doing things by myself but I am starting to enjoy the solitude. Okay, maybe solitude is stretching it but what it means to me is just taking time for yourself and doing something truly relaxing and mind-clearing. For me, that's been swimming, the occasional bike ride, taking a non-emo walk, reading outside somewhere or just hanging out at home with no agenda at all.

That used to make me anxious. I always had my tv shows to watch and books to read but the loneliness made it really hard to enjoy that time. Instead, I would make sure that someone would be online to talk to so it would be more bearable. Those feelings of loneliness are definitely magnified after some kind of heartache (a different kind of heart pain) or hormonal fluctuations but I've also started to become a person that gets excited about having that alone time. I know I already think too much..about the past, present and future, but having that time to think is a pleasure in itself. Maybe that's why I secretly enjoy those TTC rides...sometimes.

I don't quite know where I'm going with this. I still do feel lonely sometimes. I miss my fam, I miss my friends (even when we live in the same city), I miss people who used to be part of my life...but most of the time, along with all that missing, I am happy to be alone and happier that I don't feel lonely. It's weird y'know? When you realize that things you used to dread have suddenly become enjoyable. And with that realization, I'm also hopefully progressing on my whole journey of self-love (...or my slow descent into becoming a recluse). Cuz loving yourself means treating yourself well - mind, body and soul. And the alone time is good for the soul.

Which brings me to being good to my body. I really do feel bad after I eat unhealthy things. Not really cuz of the calorie factor or the disgusting feeling after overeating but the fact that I'm ingesting greasy, sugary, fatty foods and making my body suffer in the process is unsettling. Wow, how did I go from Beyonce to this. Point is, if I really do love my body and want to be good to it, would I charge into my weekends with an agenda to eat myself silly into several food comas? Eek. And would I only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night when I know I need 7-8 to feel human?

Definitely a work in progress. But once my work is done, I too will become a multimillionaire, marry Jigga and truly be my own best friend. Because that is what life is all about.

By the way...

HI DAVE!! *waves*
Love,
Bizay Hands

Throwback to Cheeky Wednesdays

This picture pretty much sums up what it used to be like (I hope it's in the past) to go clubbing with me...




As you can see, I am not in this picture.

...because I was probably off with some random eejit. Haha sad, funny and true...like most things I talk about on this blog.