pedagogies, rubrics and plain old learnin'

...how does one learn?

i'm wondering this question hard these days. i'm trying to understand why i long to be in that ivory tower and admire those who are there so much. the truth is, i think most people would say that they learn the most outside of this thing we've constructed called the academy and yet, my heart is feelin' those pangs.

why isn't it enough to ponder, read, experience and discuss things on one's own? why do i feel like i need to be in a classroom to really engage with issues? why doesn't knowledge feel legitimate until it's chopped, snipped, edited and formatted into a double spaced 12 to 15 paged paper bearing a thoughtful yet vague title that you hope will strike the intrigue and fancy of your colleagues and garner a "wow, i'd love to read that!" why do i NEED to get that A? ...why isn't real life enough?

...and why am i thinking so $*@&#* much!?

i've lingered and have been lurking at the periphery for a long time. reading and getting angry on my own, trying to make sense of things with friends, ...sporadically blogging and reading blogs...

my consolation/response to a lot of things is "well, your heart is in the right place." i guess i'm trying to make sure my heart is truly in the right place before i pursue these things i've wanted for so long.

so...heart, what is it that you are really longing for??

things.

i don't know what it means to grow
when growing means to grow apart
from things you once loved
i don't know what it means to have community
when you don't know yourself
and what you're looking for
i don't know how to understand this longing
for things i once found comfort
and safety in, things i still have
i don't know why i am mourning a loss
that i've created in my head
but feel in my heart
i don't see the line between reality
and melodrama because these melodramatic
tears in my eyes are real
i don't know who i am becoming
with these hackneyed ideas
and fanciful dreams
i don't know where this resentment
comes from but it
hurts
i don't know how to keep myself
in check when it means
feeling the shame of a hypocrite
i don't know how to navigate this
world with these new ways of seeing
and old ways of feeling
i don't know how to accept these
new revelations about myself
i so readily share
i don't know how to learn
how to love those around me and
what i am becoming
...i just don't know