who's fault is it?

i had the opportunity to join slutwalk last weekend and it felt good to be there. as a rally newb, i'm still shy about yelling, clapping, dancing in public and yes, making myself heard but hopefully i'll overcome those fears with a few more. there's been quite a bit of press coverage and as often as i tell myself not to read article comments, it happens occasionally (sigh). and while there are thousands of people that get it, there are probably 10x more that don't. the ones that say "well, what do you expect? that's what you're going to get if you dress like a slut." GAH. (...which reminds me of the very mysognist and sexist responses to alexandra wallace's rant on asians in the library. did she deserve those responses because she wore a tight revealing top? but more on that another time)

why do so many of us 1) forget that rape isn't actually SUPPOSED to happen 2) learn techniques like walking with a key inbetween your fingers "just in case" and think that's NORMAL? it's almost become second nature to me for alarms to go off in my head if i sense something off around me. maybe i'll walk faster, cross the street, go somewhere with more lighting, put those keys between my fingers and unlock my phone for quick dialing... and while i do recognize that our streets are relatively "safe," this is no where good enough. are the police there to serve and protect when they are slut shaming and sending the message that the women that get raped, assaulted and sometimes killed...DESERVE IT?

when reading about rape culture, i've often thought about what the process might be like in reporting a rape, or going on trial and being questioned about my own sexual history. would i lose credibility? would they think that my history of drinking and clubbing in short skirts makes me more susceptible to assault? does the number of men i've dated and slept with make me more deserving of rape cuz clearly, i love men and was probably asking for it? will they question my politics and say that my openness about sexuality and gender probably sent the message to potential rapists that i'm open for business?

just thinking about all this makes me wonder whether i would report a rape or sexual assault. isn't the very act of having your own body violated by another damaging enough? do we have to go through the process of public slut shaming too in an attempt to bring about "justice?" i don't know about you but i see absolutely no justice in that.

pedagogies, rubrics and plain old learnin'

...how does one learn?

i'm wondering this question hard these days. i'm trying to understand why i long to be in that ivory tower and admire those who are there so much. the truth is, i think most people would say that they learn the most outside of this thing we've constructed called the academy and yet, my heart is feelin' those pangs.

why isn't it enough to ponder, read, experience and discuss things on one's own? why do i feel like i need to be in a classroom to really engage with issues? why doesn't knowledge feel legitimate until it's chopped, snipped, edited and formatted into a double spaced 12 to 15 paged paper bearing a thoughtful yet vague title that you hope will strike the intrigue and fancy of your colleagues and garner a "wow, i'd love to read that!" why do i NEED to get that A? ...why isn't real life enough?

...and why am i thinking so $*@&#* much!?

i've lingered and have been lurking at the periphery for a long time. reading and getting angry on my own, trying to make sense of things with friends, ...sporadically blogging and reading blogs...

my consolation/response to a lot of things is "well, your heart is in the right place." i guess i'm trying to make sure my heart is truly in the right place before i pursue these things i've wanted for so long.

so...heart, what is it that you are really longing for??

things.

i don't know what it means to grow
when growing means to grow apart
from things you once loved
i don't know what it means to have community
when you don't know yourself
and what you're looking for
i don't know how to understand this longing
for things i once found comfort
and safety in, things i still have
i don't know why i am mourning a loss
that i've created in my head
but feel in my heart
i don't see the line between reality
and melodrama because these melodramatic
tears in my eyes are real
i don't know who i am becoming
with these hackneyed ideas
and fanciful dreams
i don't know where this resentment
comes from but it
hurts
i don't know how to keep myself
in check when it means
feeling the shame of a hypocrite
i don't know how to navigate this
world with these new ways of seeing
and old ways of feeling
i don't know how to accept these
new revelations about myself
i so readily share
i don't know how to learn
how to love those around me and
what i am becoming
...i just don't know

This time, last year...

I went for a swim tonight, something I did a lot last year. I've been making excuses for the past few months for not getting my ass down to the pool/gym and doing some exercise - "I'm too busy/tired/hungry," "it dries out my hair" (IT REALLY DOES!), "it hurts my shins" and the list goes on. I remember a time last year when I craved being in the pool. Squeezing in a 20 minute swim after getting home from work at 9:30pm was probably what kept me sane. When I was stressed, I swam.

Tonight when I was back in there, I started thinking of how things have changed in the last year. It's crazy enough to look back at the last six months but the last year?

Holy smokes.

Actually, I can tell you exactly what I was doing one year ago today thanks to my trusty 2010 dayplanner: I was on vacation in Hong Kong and hanging out with three of my friends in Central. We went to Tsui Wah for food, shopped a little and had frozen yogurt. I had been in Hong Kong for about a week already and was dreading going back to work. I hated my job. There were some people I liked but I haaated my job. I had literally been counting down to the trip back to Hong Kong for 6 weeks and was enjoying every single second. In addition to enjoying home, I relished in not commuting to Scarborough five times a week and waking up with a scowl on my face.

This time, last year, I was also in the process of mending a bruised ego...I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of bruising my heart. I was lonely and angry at myself. I tried to remedy it with the only ways I knew how and it certainly didn't help. I also filled my months with trips to look forward to. Right after Hong Kong would be our epic Gheeto reunion with three of my best girl friends from high school. After that trip was another trip to New York. I took any chance I could get to get away from the humdrum of my routine. I make it sound like I was miserable. I definitely wasn't but there was definitely a certain dissatisfaction that was driving my behaviour.

Then I started swimming, gymming and eating a little better. I tried to make a lifestyle change in more ways than one. I even started applying for a few jobs here and there instead of just complaining about my shitty job. I had two interviews for a job and was hugely disappointed when they didn't even bother to let me know I didn't get the job. They informed me after the new staff member was introduced in their monthly newsletter but now I see it wasn't the best job for me.

This time, last year, I never ever would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I probably wouldn't even have let my mind go there because I didn't think it was possible. And I'm continually thankful for how things have happened and fallen into place. I have a job that I could only have dreamed of having last year. I work with people that constantly inspire me. I'm learning something new every single day. I've had opportunities to do things I never thought I was capable of.

And one year ago today, if you asked me who my ideal partner would be, I would've laughed in your face and said it doesn't matter what I think cuz it ain't gonna happen. Well, I found that person, but way better :)

It all sounds cheesy and fairytale-like but things are certainly not perfect. I go weeks at a time feeling unmotivated and unenergetic (like right now!). I constantly struggle with my own issues of self confidence. I'm impatient with myself and others (eeps). I am still moody as hell and lazy as f*ck at times. I'm still filled with anxiety, especially since I don't know what I'll be doing in six months. When I worry, I bite the skin on my fingers til they bleed.

I'm still the same person...but with a few more lines to add to that resume and a little more perspective. I'm trying to believe that I deserve the things I've gotten and that I'm here for a reason. But when those anxieties get the best of me and I'm struck by the crippling fear that it will all go away, I'm reminded of the me from one year ago, that didn't think good things were possible until they actually happened. Sometimes those things just need time to unfold.

Just imagine...where you might be one year from today. It could happen.