Preference or fetish? The debate continues...

I've talked about Yellow Fever before, and according to one person, I've bludgeoned it to death with my never-ending discussion but after reading this article on Racialicious.com (where I get my cheery daily reports of racism) I'm just plain confused. For those of you who aren't as nerdily or morbidly obsessed with race, the article raises the question of where the line is to be drawn between a preference or a fetish and whether one can fetishize one's own race. Personally, that line has become a dot to me.

I will openly admit that I have been fetishized but have also fetishized others. In my daily conversations with friends, I hear myself proclaiming: "I want a (insert race here) guy," and now when I think about that, it just sounds wrong. When it comes down to really liking someone, I don't discriminate based on colour but what does it mean when I say I prefer a certain race?



(Unlike reality, in Paint-World, I can drive. And I drive in style.)

I usually explain my "colour preferences" by saying that I just feel a little more comfortable around people of colour (maybe out of my own insecurities) or that I just find them more attractive. Although that isn't to say that I don't find white guys attractive, because you all know my past *rolls eyes.* In reaction to all that Yellow Fever business, I've taken the extreme route of constantly telling people that I want an Asian man. I judge girls who say they will only date white guys and will never date an Asian guy. To compensate for their lack of taste, I tell people that Asian guys are at the top of my list, though that doesn't really mean anything in practice.

That brings me to the other question of whether I'm fetishizing my own race and on the same note, dating an Asian or coloured guy certainly doesn't mean that I won't be fetishized. I'm confused. I find a lot of Asian guys extremely attractive but I don't think it has anything to do with what I think they'll be like in terms of who they are as a person. But when I say that I think Filippino guys are especially hot because a lot of the ones I see lately can dance pretty damn well and I find that sexy as hell...is it a race thing or a dance thing?? Hmm...I actually think it may be the latter.

When we joke around, what does it mean to have jungle/brown/yellow or white (??) fever?

And I hate that I feel like I have to defend myself but YES I am aware that there are serious issues in this world other than race. I do take race seriously and if you have a problem, suck it. I'm sick of people telling me what I should or shouldn't care about and this will be the first and last time I'll defend myself on this blog.

Peace out homies.

Quarter life crisis?

Disclaimer: I am feeling dramatic.

This year, almost all my friends graduated from university. There are a few going on to do further education and for the rest of us, we have the very exciting and torturous task of taking on the wonderful world of employment - wait, scratch that - of unemployment. For the first time in our lives since we were 3, we don't know what we're doing come September. I could sit on my ass from September to December if I really wanted to, provided that my parents don't kick me out of the house, but that's not something I want to do. At this point, I think we're all getting anxious but still maintaining the hope that the employment fairy will swoop down and sprinkle the magic dust that will propel us in to the "real world."

Out of all my friends, I think I'm definitely the most impatient, in life and in this whole job hunt adventure. It's not like I was expecting to work at the Star or the Globe but it sucks when you apply for 20 random "proof-reader" jobs, something I *think* I can do pretty well, and don't hear back from one person. It got to the point where I started thinking maybe there was something wrong with my e-mail but nope, g-mail is fine and dandy. I've used this analogy before but applying for jobs really feels like I'm throwing a message in a bottle into the sea, hoping that someone somewhere will find it and read it but chances are that you'll never see that bottle again.

I know my problem is that I'm not patient enough and I get discouraged easily. I can bounce back from disappointment but right now, it's just one of those times when you're feeling a tiny bit defeated. I decided to move back to Hong Kong a few weeks ago after realizing that there are a lot of journalism related job opportunities for new graduates back home but is that just my way of picking up and running away because I don't think I have what it takes to "make it" here? I'm excited to move back but I'm currently questioning my motives. At times I'm 100% sure about it and I think I'm doing it for the right reasons but then I start to doubt myself and think maybe I should stick it out for a bit in Toronto and see where things go. Am I running away because I'm scared or am I really chasing my dream? (Wow I sound like Carrie Bradshaw, somebody slap me.)

For now the decision remains that I'll move to Hong Kong and either way, I'll MAKE it the right decision, whatever right means. I have to suck it up and quit acting like a 22 year old baby. In the meantime, I give each of my friends a big hug and an encouraging pat on the back. We're all in this together and when all else fails, there's always MacDonalds ;) Gooooooo arts degrees!!

Soundtrack to my life

You know how certain songs just have the power to bring you back to a very specific memory or time in your life that you probably would've forgotten otherwise? When I started thinking about this, I realized that most of the songs I could come up with were all "sad" songs...which I guess isn't that surprising because I've had my share of "oh my God, i'm so dramatic and my life is over" moments but I wanted to come up with a couple of songs that bring back some fun memories, because there really should be a balance. However, I take it as a good sign that I can listen to all of these songs now without feeling the least bit emo.

So here are five songs that I associate with some of my dark days (in no particular order):

1) U2 - With or without you

I think this one is a pretty common one. The first time I heard it was on F.R.I.E.N.D.S, when Ross requested it on the radio station as an apology to Rachel. I guess it doesn't need much explanation. It's the typical post-relationship depression song. Good stuff.

2) Tegan & Sara - Where does the good go

Something about these girls that makes me so emo and this song is the emo-est I've heard from them. First heard on Grey's Anatomy I think and it became the number one played song after St*ve. The super duper emo chorus:

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive

Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love

Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen

They even look emo:

3) Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply

Now when I think of this song, I actually laugh because I think of what I was sad about during this time: R*y and Ow*n (I told you it was funny). I remember sitting in my room, listening to this song on repeat and crying my little eyes out. That still happens occasionally but this memory is just hilarious. Oh the angst. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Vera Tong for sticking by me through that very obsessive time during high school.

4) Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

Oh Dave Coulier, you sure know how to piss a woman off. My brother was the one to buy the Jagged Little Pill CD, back when Alanis was all the rage. Such a great CD and the best song to scream to. This is as screamo as I get (except maybe The Used). Screaming to this turns the sadness into rage...which can be good.

5) Nsync - I drive myself crazy
How could this list be complete without a super cheesy boyband song? I still love this song and I associate this with pretty much every guy I had a crush on in high school. The gist of it can be summed up in this one line: I drive myself crazy, thinking 'bout you. Seriously, imagine what kind of grades I could've gotten if I wasn't so boy crazy. I really would've been Harvard bound but instead I went to the "Harvard of the North" (I think Simon is the only one who still says that).

6) John Mayer - Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I said I would list 5 songs but this one isn't exactly a sad one for me. When I first heard it last September, it brought tears to my eyes but John Mayer has always been the one person I listen to that "uplifts" me. I've played this song about 215 times, according to my Itunes and I still haven't gotten sick of it. This song puts me at ease. I love John.

And now, to some songs that bring a big smile to my face and make me want to shake my yellow booty:

1) Mariah Carey - Fantasy

Hands down, my favourite Mariah song. I got this album, on cassette tape, when I was 11 and I remember listening to it over and over and channelling my inner Mariah (yes she exists believe it or not). It's great to hear this one at clubs except I'm not a fan of the remix. I miss the pre-Glitter/meltdown/clothes-wearing Mariah.

2) John Mayer - No Such Thing

No surprise. I heard it for the first time in January of 2002 and have loved him ever since. This song is particularly fitting right now as we all enter the "real world" but as Johnny says: There's no such thing as the real world, just a lie we've got to rise above. I guess it's time for us to test that out and hope that he's right.

3) Green Day - When I come around

This one I heard at church camp! I remember buying Dookie and TLC's CrazySexyCool at the same time after one of my camp counsellors introduced me to pop music of 1994. Very inappropriate for a 9 year old but it sounded good at the time, and still does. Church camp was awesome.

4) Backstreet Boys - As long as you love me, Missing you, I want it that way

I was and still am such a teenybopper at heart. These songs bring back memories of singing (trying to harmonize) with V, watching the vcd/videos over and over and most recently, cruising in Simon's car around campus and scaring the white guy on the bike (Boy Band Bandits HOLLAAA).

5) Random songs at clubs like: Sean Paul & Beyonce - Baby Boy, T.I. - Bring 'em out, Montell Jordan - This is how we do it, Beenie Man - King of the Dancehall, Tony Matterhorn - Dutty Wine

These songs will probably always make me want to dance, except for Baby Boy, which is when I take a timeout to watch Dee dance and as for Dutty Wine, we'll learn how to do it one day, Mo.

There are so many other songs that bring back memories but these are the only ones I could think of. Care to share the songs of your past/and present?

Feeling disconnected

A few weeks ago, I started hanging out with my "little" cousin. We went out for dinner and chatted and talked about everything that girls typically talk about when they get together. Before that dinner, I can't remember the last conversation we had. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever had a real conversation with her. After our second dinner date, I told her how happy I was that we were hanging out and she said "yeah! I never knew you were so good to talk to." And how could she have known? For the longest time, we never talked. I didn't see her much but whenever we did, it was the very cordial "Hi, how are you" kind of small talk. I'm still like that with most of my cousins on my dad's side and why, you ask? Well, first, I'm shy and second, they speak Cantonese and I speak English.

My extensive written Chinese vocabulary:

Ever since our family moved to Canada when I was five, I think I've been the official "gwai mui" of the family. After an intensive and exhausting year of junior kindergarten in Hong Kong at age four, I came to Canada. To make room for the English language, my Chinese vocabulary seemed to very quickly flee from my brain (...like it was Ashlee Simpson desperately running from the limelight after her lip sync/hoedown debaucle. Who doesn't love a good Ashlee Simpson reference?) When I was younger, it didn't make a difference. I spoke English with all my friends at school, at church and also with my family.

At age 9, I went back to Hong Kong with my family for a visit. At the time, I thought my Chinese sounded just fine and then someone kindly pointed out that I had a really funny accent. It was a sad day. In my head, I actually thought I sounded like a local Hong Kong person and boy was I wrong.

I think I partly use the language thing as a scapegoat and a lot of it is due to my lack of initiative when it comes to conversing with my extended family but it seems to have created a barrier and I want to break it down. It makes me sad that I couldn't have real conversations with my grandparents and didn't make the effort to get to know them because I knew I couldn't have a full conversation in Chinese. Now I wonder what kind of relationships I'm missing out on with my cousins because I'm too afraid to speak my supposed mother tongue.

As I search for jobs in Hong Kong, the regret keeps gnawing at me: WHY DID I QUIT CHINESE SCHOOL? And then I remember the stuffy rooms, the long Friday nights, the kids that came straight from Hong Kong who were eons ahead of me, the weekly dictations and the guaranteed 5/100 that I would get on those dreaded tests. Brutal. So Chinese school didn't work out, but I'm determined to make a real effort when I move back to Hong Kong. My Chinese won't just used when ordering "cha siu fan," but I will be able to speak intelligently with people about the government's Green Paper, or events that are more current in Hong Kong, as well as chill with the cousins that I've long been avoiding.

Just give me a year...or two.

My brief moment of glory (click to enlarge and enjoy!)

Taken from the Queen's Journal - Vol. 134, Issue 7