Lessons from B

Because I realized I got
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend
- "Me Myself and I," Beyonce

I can't say I'm a huge fan of B's these days because she's so friggin over the top but every time I hear this song, I just wanna yell "Sing it girl!" You can picture it now, can't you.

Out of all my friends, I am the most dependent on my homies. I need to talk to them, find out what's happening in their lives, give them updates on mine and just talk about completely random mundane things like what we're both making for dinner or our bowel movements (yeah I did). And when I don't talk to my good friends for a few days I really start to miss them. Heart pangs kinda missing. Like my life is different without them and I don't like it. Is that normal? I don't really know. But I've grown to accept that I'm just the type of person who is very attached to those that I care about and though I can be clingy, I will also return the favour and listen whenever they need an ear or a shoulder to cry on...or an eating/shopping/clubbing/biking/walking/gymming/tv watching buddy. Though I draw the line at movies. I will always be an SATC movie hater :P

While none of that has changed, I've also come to really appreciate the time I have on my own. I don't think I was ever that comfortable with just chilling at home or going out and doing things by myself but I am starting to enjoy the solitude. Okay, maybe solitude is stretching it but what it means to me is just taking time for yourself and doing something truly relaxing and mind-clearing. For me, that's been swimming, the occasional bike ride, taking a non-emo walk, reading outside somewhere or just hanging out at home with no agenda at all.

That used to make me anxious. I always had my tv shows to watch and books to read but the loneliness made it really hard to enjoy that time. Instead, I would make sure that someone would be online to talk to so it would be more bearable. Those feelings of loneliness are definitely magnified after some kind of heartache (a different kind of heart pain) or hormonal fluctuations but I've also started to become a person that gets excited about having that alone time. I know I already think too much..about the past, present and future, but having that time to think is a pleasure in itself. Maybe that's why I secretly enjoy those TTC rides...sometimes.

I don't quite know where I'm going with this. I still do feel lonely sometimes. I miss my fam, I miss my friends (even when we live in the same city), I miss people who used to be part of my life...but most of the time, along with all that missing, I am happy to be alone and happier that I don't feel lonely. It's weird y'know? When you realize that things you used to dread have suddenly become enjoyable. And with that realization, I'm also hopefully progressing on my whole journey of self-love (...or my slow descent into becoming a recluse). Cuz loving yourself means treating yourself well - mind, body and soul. And the alone time is good for the soul.

Which brings me to being good to my body. I really do feel bad after I eat unhealthy things. Not really cuz of the calorie factor or the disgusting feeling after overeating but the fact that I'm ingesting greasy, sugary, fatty foods and making my body suffer in the process is unsettling. Wow, how did I go from Beyonce to this. Point is, if I really do love my body and want to be good to it, would I charge into my weekends with an agenda to eat myself silly into several food comas? Eek. And would I only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night when I know I need 7-8 to feel human?

Definitely a work in progress. But once my work is done, I too will become a multimillionaire, marry Jigga and truly be my own best friend. Because that is what life is all about.